Am I being abused?

When you call, you will speak to a compassionate professional who will guide you through the process as you describe your situation. Sojourn Shelter & Services has a variety of resources to help you.  

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​Create a safety plan. If the time comes when you know it's time to leave, you need to be prepared. There is a resource called a safety plan that you can follow to make sure that when you choose to leave, you'll be as safe as possible. ​​

A safety plan is a set of actions that can help lower your risk of being hurt by your partner. It includes information specific to you and your life that will increase your safety at school, home and other places that you go on a daily basis. This way you'll have plan in place so you can grab and go asap.

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You had to leave an abuser suddenly and now you have nothing but the clothes on your back.​​

Maybe you left in the heat of an argument or while they were sleeping. Maybe you decided to pick up the kids and just keep driving. Or maybe the ER nurse who helped patch you up made you realize what’s at stake if you returned home. Whatever the case, you decided to leave in a hurry and never had the chance to prepare to leave an abuser. And now you have next to nothing: no extra clothes, no important documents, no money. What should you do? Where should you go?

 

How do you start over…from scratch?

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First...Safety

• Before you think about anything else, get somewhere safe.

• Avoid going to a neighbor’s house or a close friend or relative’s home because the abuser will look there.

• Go somewhere the abuser wouldn’t expect or better yet, somewhere unknown to them. 

• If you have any sort of mobile device with you that has GPS, turn it off so you can’t be tracked.

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Some companies maintain an apartment for employees who are going through hardship or corporate housing for traveling executives, so try reaching out to your employer to see if they have somewhere you can stay. Religious organizations may be of assistance, too. 

Or ask a loved one to connect you with someone they know and trust. Then again, even if you have connections in the area, you might be safer calling Sojourn and asking if they can accommodate you. Plus, the advocates there will be able to help you with much more than housing.

 

This is really the best place for a person to go who needs a safe place to go. Sojourn offers a variety of services from highly trained counselors/crisis managers, court advocates and an on-staff attorney for clients.​ Even if you decide to stay somewhere else, you can still contact Sojourn for guidance and outreach support. 

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Going Back to Your Residence

You may be tempted to return to your residence to pick up a few things. Do not go alone. Even taking a friend or family member with you is ill advised. You don’t want to put yourself or anyone else in danger, and it is well documented that danger and lethality risk increase when leaving. 

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Instead, contact your local law enforcement agency. They may provide standby assistance, a service in which an officer accompanies you to your residence to keep you safe while you get a few personal items packed up. Note that a few things means just that. This is not the time to try and haul your beloved dining room table or the entirety of your attic out of there. The officer(s) have limited time and are not permitted to help you carry items, so think small. Head straight for:

• Any and all identification, including your driver’s license, birth certificate, passport, Social Security card, employee ID, insurance card, etc

• Important paperwork, including a copy of your marriage certificate, car title, immunization records for the kids, deed to the property or rental agreement, pet ownership documents or vet records, irreplaceable photos, etc

• Evidence you’ve collected of the abuse, whether photos or a journal you

       jotted notes in

• Prescription medication for you or your children

• Your cell phone

• Spare keys to your car

• A few comfort items for yourself or your children, such as a favorite blanket or toy

Keep in mind that if there is any dispute over what’s yours, leave it behind. You’ll need to take that up in court.

 

What If You Can’t Return?

If going back to your residence even with police presence is unthinkable or if the abuser has destroyed your property, try not to panic. Your safety and the safety of your children is what’s most important. At the end of the day, everything else is only stuff. Still, you will need some items sooner than later.

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Start with a cell phone. Once at Sojourn, you will be provided with a 911 safety cell phone, upon request. You may also elect to purchase an inexpensive pay-as-you-go phone. This will be critical so that you have a reliable way to get in touch with important resources and those attempting to help you.

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Next, you’ll need ID. Start with your state’s motor vehicle department, as it should be relatively easy to obtain a duplicate license. Plus, then you’ll have picture ID available for all of the other tasks you’ll need to do, such as withdrawing money from a bank account. 

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Speaking of money, make a withdrawal as quickly as possible, before the abuser hides funds or cuts off access. Also, using cash will be preferable so your location can’t be tracked via credit or bank card activity. If there are no funds to withdraw or you don’t have access because your name isn’t on any accounts, see if it’s possible to borrow money from a loved one or talk to shelter staff about potential financial aid for survivors. Having some seed money in your pocket will make replacing other necessities much easier.​

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Finally, if you haven't yet, sit down with an advocate to create a safety plan for yourself and your children.

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It’s Not Fair

Of course, nothing is fair about a survivor having to abandon a shared residence because of domestic violence, leaving the abuser comfortable at home.  But remember, the goal is long-term safety. You may not have much now, so think of life a year or so down the road and what you want that life to look like. Look for resources for some tips on moving forward (click the link and scroll down) toward a safer, healthier life.

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There is hope. You can heal. You can thrive. You can do this.

Here's a link with an inspirational story to help you find hope.

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