Information for Friends or Family

Listen- and believe them

Maybe a friend, coworker or loved one has told you they are experiencing domestic violence. Or, you see signs of abuse in their relationship even if they haven’t confided in you. You may not know what to say or how to help a survivor of domestic violence. That's okay. Domestic violence is a difficult subject to broach for both survivors and those who care for them. But reaching out to someone experiencing domestic violence (also known as intimate partner violence or IPV) can act as a lifeline to someone suffering, who may feel alone, embarrassed, ashamed or frightened. Sincere, compassionate support is a crucial element to helping victims escape violence and work on building a better life. Your care can make a huge difference.

 

Things to say to the survivor

 

• “It isn’t your fault.”

• “This is a crime.”

• “I’m sorry this is happening to you/happened to you.”

• “There are people at Sojourn Shelter & Services who will help you. They won’t force you to decide anything.

    Give them a call- they’ll listen to you and give you guidance. It’s free and confidential”

​

Here are some ideas about where and how to start helping a survivor of domestic violence:

 

1. Resist the Urge to Say “Leave”

Your first thought may be to tell them to leave. After all, wouldn’t this be the obvious solution? While your heart is in the right place, telling them what to do isn’t the best way to help a victim of domestic abuse, especially one who’s likely been told what to do by an abuser for a lengthy period of time. Leaving is often the most dangerous time for a survivor and it’s rarely as simple of a decision as it seems. Only the survivor knows when it’s safest to go. Your friend or family member is dealing with a challenging, possibly life-threatening situation and your support, love and understanding are essential. It’s important they feel empowered to make that choice when they’re ready. 

​

2. Believe Domestic Violence Survivors

If they’ve told you about the abuse, make sure to communicate that you believe them and you take the abuse seriously. You can say things like “You don’t deserve this,” “This is not your fault,” and “I believe you.” When it comes to how to help people experiencing abuse, your support can help them rebuild self-esteem and confidence. Your friend may say or do things you disagree with but listen unconditionally and nonjudgmentally. Let them make their own decisions—there may be things about their life they aren’t sharing with you that factor into what they feel capable of or safe doing. 

​

Your friend may also be unsure if what they’re dealing with is abuse. Certain abusive tactics don’t always look like how we expect domestic violence to present. Coercive control, psychological abuse, financial control, sexual coercion, sleep deprivation and others can be confusing at first. Check out our Survivor page for more information. If it’s safe to do so, share this article with your friend or call Sojourn.

​

3. Connect Survivors with DV Experts & Support

Sojourn specializes in helping people like your friend. A great resource for information is this website. It might also be helpful for your friend to connect with counseling or mental health services so they can process their experience. You can research local providers and find someone with availability for them. You may also want to recommend reading materials and resources. There are websites and YouTube videos that cover topics ranging from child custody to coercive control to sexual assault. Domestic violence videos on YouTube may also help your friend understand what is happening and feel they aren’t alone in their struggles.

​

4. Help Victims Get Ready to Escape Abuse

The decision to leave a relationship isn’t easy. Your friend may still love and care for their partner, even though they want the abuse to stop. And as we stated earlier, leaving can be the most dangerous time for a domestic violence survivor.

​

You can help a victim of domestic violence be prepared to leave when they feel the time is right. Help your friend create a safety plan and put together a safety bag full of the essentials they’ll need when they leave. Offer to keep the safety bag for them if they are afraid their partner might find it. 

​

Set up a code word/phrase or signal they can use with you to confidentially let you know they’re in danger. For example, you could agree that if your friend calls or texts and asks to borrow your bicycle, that’s a sign that they need help. You could also use a physical signal, such as a light they can leave on if you live nearby, or an object such as a photo that’s visible in a video chat. If your friend signals that they need help, try asking “yes” or “no” questions to follow up since their partner may be monitoring them.

​

5. Take Care of Some Details and Logistics

Leaving a relationship is challenging even if people are parting amicably. Add abuse into the mix and complications multiply. You can offer plans and options to help your friend escape when they are ready. 

Your friend may be cut off from transportation. Ask if you can drive them to work or appointments or if they need rides for their children. Or, offer to pay for taxis, Uber or Lyft.

​

Survivors don’t always have a safe place for their pets to stay when they leave, and they may not want their pets to be with the abuser. You can help by offering to care for pets during the transition time.

​

While shelters typically allow survivors and their children to stay for up to 90 days, your friend may need your help with childcare if they aren’t staying in a shelter or need medical care or need to meet with a lawyer or look for permanent housing. Giving their children a safe and welcoming place to stay can alleviate a lot of their stress.

If it’s feasible, you can invite your friend to stay with you if they need a safe place to live. Of course, you might not have the space or you may fear that your friend’s partner might come looking there. Contact Sojourn for help and resources.

​

6. Assist an Abuse Survivor Financially

It’s common for people facing domestic violence to be cut off from sources of income. Their partner may have prevented them from working and may block them from accessing bank accounts. And survivors may not want to use credit cards after they leave for fear of their partner tracking them down.

 

If you have the means, offer to give your friend money and/or provide a job opportunity. It can feel impossible for your friend to consider leaving without financial support. There are resources they may also want to check out that connects survivors with funds that may be owed to them after abuse. Speak with a Sojourn advocate for more information.

​​

7. Link Domestic Violence Survivors with Legal Support

Leaving a relationship can mean getting divorced and working out custody agreements, so your friend may need legal aid. You can help them get an emergency order of protection and a legal advocate at Sojourn. You can also accompany them to meetings with their advocate and to court hearings and proceedings. You can serve as a witness if you have information to share that could help your friend’s case.

​

8. Try to Be There for Survivors No Matter What

Ask your friend what you can do to help and remember that what they ask for might not be what you think they need. Your friend may make decisions you disagree with as they decide if, when and how to leave their partner. Support them anyway. And be sure to keep caring for your friend after they leave. The path to recovery can be long and slow- but Sojourn can help. And, having you by their side will make it a little bit easier.